Life Without Internet Access

*GASP* I clutch at my head; eyes wild, mouth open in the ever famous silent scream. How am I going to conduct business, research plot lines and characters, check for business hours and directions? I’m lost and depressed; alone and scoffed at by peers.

I race to Starbucks and libraries. I make a nuisance of myself at friends.

“Can I mooch off your WiFi, pleeease? I’ll bring Cheetos…

After a few days I start waking up. Repairs will take a while as the phone company found an anomaly with our line. Once the tranquilizers take effect, I see things in my environment I was oblivious to before, like what’s happening in the kitchen… who are these people and what are they doing in my home? Oh yeah – family.

We get reacquainted.

Gardening gets done, spring sunshine feels like a Mediterranean holiday. Laundry, tidying, reading, neighbourhood walks… even art projects abandoned since Christmas are completed.

Oh look, the cat’s had kittens!

Then the repairman arrives. Oh, Caloo Calais. My computer is reconnected to the planet hum. I email my online friends and tell the world I’m back.

Crap. Spam in the reams of unread email, unanswered, out of date.

Half an hour later I’m screaming at my laptop because Facebook published something I wasn’t ready to publish, and now the world knows I’m an idiot. My blood pressure surely must be maxed out. Anger, frustration and embarrassment: I can’t remember how to Tweet.

What’s going on here? I can’t live happily without it but it makes me crazy, robs me of sleep, and belittles me globally. Why do I do it to myself? Why?

Because I’m a human obsessively in love with a digital device, a non-human vice. I’m addicted. I’m conflicted. I’m normal.

So I offer my ode to the code:

Take me back – I’ll behave

Just don’t ever leave me again.

I missed you my friends,

Google Earth and Hulu

I need my YouTube, blog and Lulu

You justify my ends.

I know I need help,

But what about Yelp?

Stay with me now;

Promise I’ll use PayPal.

Take me back – I’ll behave

just don’t ever leave me again.

BuzzNet Tags: internet addiction,Niki Chanel,internet problem,no internet access